Wife's Rants

On Tuesday morning 3:50am the latest addition to my household arrived, a lovely little girl (even though she looks like a boy) called Chloe, 6lb 10oz.

Now as you know this is a ranting site, so after 4 hours of labour my wife decided to have a rant at me, so I decided to give her her moment of glory and give a lesson to all you expectant fathers not to make the same mistakes I did.

1. The Gas & Air is for the mother, don't nick it, they get upset
2. When you wife is having a really bad contraction and has her head down in the bed with her arse in the air, don't slap it and shout "nice arse"
3. If during a contraction your wife farts, don't tell the midwife as soon as she walks into the room that the smell is your wife, strangely they both shouted at me
4. During a contraction don't say to your wife... "come on suck it up", I was actually meaning give a good suck on the gas an air, wife thought I was telling her just to take the pain
5. Once baby is born and you have been holding her for 20 minutes and your arm starts to ache, don't ask the wife to take over as you have a pain in your arm, apparently, a little pain in the arm is nothing compared to giving birth !
6. Don't complain that your wife is squeezing your hand so tightly that it hurts, against small amount of pain is nothing compared to giving birth
7. After the birth, the midwife brings in some tea and toast, don't eat all the toast while your wife is having a bath thinking "she won't want to eat after all that

I live and learn.

Shopping & Women

I believed that the ability to shop was in built into women, so tell me this, why are they always surprised when they have to pay.

Today I was in a card shop, surprisingly buying a card, as usually I had to queue, I am in the queue for 2-3 minutes when the women in front finally gets to the counter, she hands over the card, the shop assistant then tells her how much, she then spends 5 minutes hunting around her hand bag looking for her purse !!!!

Come on... why don't you do something that doesn't come naturally, realise that you are going to have to pay and while you are waiting in the queue, look for your purse in your oversized handbag.

Sign Writers

I got this sent to me today, made me laugh even though its not a laughing matter, which idiot thinks of these signs !

Boys will be Boys

I was talking to my 13 year old niece, she was telling me that she has just been threatened by the head master of her school with exclusion i.e. kicked out of school.

Strange I thought as she is a good student, so I asked her why, she said that 3 lads of her age were ganging up on her and giving her a hard time, so what did you do I asked, beat them up she replied. So that's why the headmaster went mad with you, because you beat up 3 boys, yes she replied.

So why were they giving you a hard time ? I asked, to which she replied, they didn't believe I am a black belt in Karate, I guess they do now I replied, she just smiled back at me.

Boys will be boys.

Sunglasses

I bought some Nike sunglasses yesterday, excellent deal, 75% of retail price.

Got them home, cleaned them, look fantastic, feel fantastic, very happy, I start reading the leaflet that comes with them, under instructions it says "do not leave in direct sunlight".... have I made a mistake ?, I thought these were sunglasses.

Magistrates

In a previous blog entry I talked about the unbelievable decision to fine a driver who killed 4 cyclists £180 when he was driving a car with 4 bald tyres.

Yesterday I heard about another unbelievable decision by these magistrates who clearly hate cyclists. A guy cycling home from work was moving quickly down a hill heading towards a roundabout, before he got to the roundabout he moved into the middle of the road to stop cars passing him as he approached the roundabout, the idea is that it is not safe to overtake a cyclist going around a roundabout.

A Policeman saw this manoeuvre, arrested and charged him, the guy appeared before the magistrates and was fined £300 for "inconsiderate cycling". Now lets not debate if this guy was within his right to make this manoeuvre, lets just say for argument sake he was wrong to do this, but how can he be fined £300 for obstructing traffic for 50 meters, when a guy who kills 4 cyclists and gets £180 fine.

On another cycling theme, there is talk of making bells a legal requirement on bikes, failure to have a working bell, £2,500 fine !, what fine do you get if you car does not have a working horn, £60 fixed penalty and an instruction to get it fixed, and what good are bells anyway, cyclists are not allowed on paths, only cycle paths and road.... I can see myself telling the police after a crash that I was ringing my bell madly, but the car driver did not hear it !... idiots..

Now I don't want to sound like a mad crazed cyclist, I only cycle for exercise and fun, I love my car totally, the idea of sounding-off about this is not to have a dig for Pro Cycling, its about highlighting the injustice of our law's, this needs to be rectified and quickly.

Women Drivers

It was bound to happen that I had to comment on women drivers at some point.

Let me set the picture for you, I live down a dead end road and its only wide enough for 1 car to drive down at a time, to get out you either have to reverse all the way up the road (150 meters) or try to turn around, which is impossible if the street is full of parked cars.

Anyway today as I left my house a women was trying to turn her car around in a very tight spot, I started shaking my head when I saw this, so she wound her window down and said "I am doing the women's thing of trying to turn around, please excuse me I am a women". So I replied, yes you are on both counts, why don't you just reverse, she replied "I can't reverse", I just left it at that.

How do these people ever pass their driving tests, if you can't reverse you can't drive, simple as that.

I felt justified in giving this post a "Women Drivers" title as 95% of the people who drive down my road and panic are women (Pete you drive like a woman so are included within the 95%), another story, one evening I saw this women starting to panic, she eventually got out of her car, knocked on my door, said she had driven down the wrong road by accident and can't get out, would I mind reversing car for her as she was stuck ! apart from the fact this women should not be allowed to drive a car, I was pleased as a) it meant I could laugh at her and b) she wasn't going to crash into everybody's parked cars while trying to reverse.

What's happening to me

A few years ago I remember talking to a old college of mine and I said I would NEVER have a people carrier. Today I was coming out the gym (honest) with my wife and child, as I was stepping into my Renault Scenic people carrier, a new Ford S-Max drove past and I thought to myself, that's a nice looking people carrier, I will look at them when I come to replace the Scenic.

I can't believe I am dreaming about a people carriers, its all gone wrong..... I'm off to the pub now, get pissed, have a curry, go to a nightclub, attempt to pull a bird and talk about Ferrari's with my mates, assuming the wife lets me of course.

Women and DIY

To be honest I am sexiest, but only to wind up lesbian feminists, apart from that I really couldn't care, but today....

I had to hang some stuff on the wall in our bedroom, this newly decorated bedroom with carpets, walls etc. all fresh and new, so I thought to myself, instead of making a mess over the new carpet when drilling holes into the wall, I would get the hover and ask the wife to stand next to me with the hover end below the drill catching all the mess, first class idea I thought.

So, I had four holes to drill very close to each other, I started drilling and completed the first hole and started the second, it was then I suddenly realised that the mess from the drilling was still falling and I could not hear any noise from the direction of the hover.... the answer from the wife... you never told me to switch the hover on, just to hold the hover pipe under your drill... DOH ! I live and learn.

Talking about lesbians, my neighbours are a pair of lesbians, the other day I took delivery of a large parcel for them, one of them came around to pick it up, so being the kind person I am I suggested that it was heavy and she needed a man to carry it.... strangely that comment didn't go down to well.... which brings me onto another story, I once worked in an office that had a women who used to be a man, the full sex change, I was talking to her (him !) one day, and she told me that she had some new alloy wheels on her car... so without thinking... my reply was "a bit of a boy racer are you !"... later (months later) I asked her if her driving had gone down hill since she became a women, she didn't reply.

Ikea

Is it bad that I know where every department and every shortcut to move around Ikea.... maybe something to do with the fortune I have spent there over the past few weeks.

Insurance Claims

Its been a while since my last rant, been too busy decorating the house, maybe thats another rant. Anyway, a friend of mine was involved in a car accident a few days ago, somebody ran into the back of him, he was fine, just the usual whiplash injury.

He went to the hospital to be checked out and obviously made a claim to his insurance. Now since then, he has been literally inundated by calls from injury lawyers, car repair supermarkets and various other people. Now, what's gets me is 2 things...

1. How do these people get his details ? it has to be from the insurance companies, a hospital (surely !) is not going to give out patient details, so it must be from the insurance company making money selling on his accident details.

2. With these injury lawyers involved goading people to make claims, surely this is making the situation with personal injury claims worse.

We all know that our car insurance premiums are high and part of this is the number of injury claims, it appears to me that this situation is being made worse by the actual insurance companies themselves, which is just a joke, maybe I am way out, but a thought went through my head, with all these personal injury claims they have to pay out for, isn't that a nice excuse to raise premiums to a level that they actual make more profit, maybe this explains why they pass out your details.