Wife's Rants

On Tuesday morning 3:50am the latest addition to my household arrived, a lovely little girl (even though she looks like a boy) called Chloe, 6lb 10oz.

Now as you know this is a ranting site, so after 4 hours of labour my wife decided to have a rant at me, so I decided to give her her moment of glory and give a lesson to all you expectant fathers not to make the same mistakes I did.

1. The Gas & Air is for the mother, don't nick it, they get upset
2. When you wife is having a really bad contraction and has her head down in the bed with her arse in the air, don't slap it and shout "nice arse"
3. If during a contraction your wife farts, don't tell the midwife as soon as she walks into the room that the smell is your wife, strangely they both shouted at me
4. During a contraction don't say to your wife... "come on suck it up", I was actually meaning give a good suck on the gas an air, wife thought I was telling her just to take the pain
5. Once baby is born and you have been holding her for 20 minutes and your arm starts to ache, don't ask the wife to take over as you have a pain in your arm, apparently, a little pain in the arm is nothing compared to giving birth !
6. Don't complain that your wife is squeezing your hand so tightly that it hurts, against small amount of pain is nothing compared to giving birth
7. After the birth, the midwife brings in some tea and toast, don't eat all the toast while your wife is having a bath thinking "she won't want to eat after all that

I live and learn.